What its like to deal with depression.
Days are hard, and the nights are harder. You think the voice in your head would get weaker and you’d get stronger but the opposite is what seems to happen, each day and every day. It gets to the point where the line between you and the voice in your head starts getting blurrier. Some days it’s hard to say which one is your voice. Every morning you wake up thinking, this is the day I can conquer and every night you’re back in your bed thinking, “What’s the damn point! Is this all even worth it?”.
You want it all to stop, so you ask for help. People tell you if you exercise a little or maybe just went out a little more, you’d be fine. So you do that, you try that as well. But no matter where you are, your thoughts don’t leave you alone. You envy people, you envy them everywhere you go. And you loathe yourself because chores like brushing your teeth is an enormous pain in the ass. “Why you cannot be more like them? Because, obviously, something is wrong with you. Very much wrong with you”. That voice is back at it again, continuously telling you what a pathetic piece of shit you are.
The pain of your own existence has started to eat you alive, it is insufferable. You now desperately want it to go away so you’ll do anything, I repeat, anything, to make you feel better. And, when even that fails, you hit rock bottom. You think you’ve hit rock bottom before, but no, you were wrong.
This rock bottom is the worst thing and sometimes the best thing that can happen to you. If you do seek professional help, they do hear your last cry for help and lend you a helping hand and from there, things starts getting better. No, I’m not saying magically the voices go away and you start loving yourself infinitely. It is just that now the days are a bit easier and nights are a little less harder.